Right now, mornings are the worst. I wake up....my first thought is that nothing has changed and Emily is still gone. I worry about how often I am going to think about her being gone and I try to plan how I am going to keep myself busy so I don't have to acknowledge how empty my life feels without her. She isn't here anymore.
Yesterday, my husband and I went to market. (a place for retailers to buy merchandise wholesale) We went to Enesco and I took pictures of all the Jim Shore Disney stuff they had. Then, I realized there wasn't anyone to send those pictures to because she isn't here anymore.
The days go on and everyday there is a realization of events that will happen that she won't be a part of. I will never be an Aunt to her babies. (the ones she wanted so badly) She will never see my daughter get married or graduate. We will not grow old together. She isn't here anymore.
I just don't know how I am going to live with the fact that SHE ISN'T HERE ANYMORE!
I miss her so desperately!!!
I read about the grieving process so I could prepare myself, but it hasn't helped. In truth, I don't know where I am in the grieving process. I just know that I miss Emily so much it literally is making me sick! I don't know how I am going to be able to fill the hole her leaving has left in my life.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Start Living
I am going to start living again. I feel like before this tragedy happened I was just getting by, a zombie traipsing through life. I have made a vow today to start living again. To feel all that there is to feel, to let go of anger, to quit taking everything so seriously, to let go of fear, to breathe easier, to forgive myself and others for mistakes made....to just live again.
My sister was so full of life and she was not scared to do anything. If she was pissed, she wasn't afraid to tell you. If she was happy she made sure you knew with a song or a dance. If she thought you were funny she'd laugh so loud and hard you'd laugh too. She was fearless. She just did what she wanted to do...no holds barr. She lived.
Everyday she lived in the moment. I'm not saying she did not think about the future, she just understood that life was made up of moments; and she was going to spend hers doing what she wanted. So many of us are afraid of being who we really are. Afraid so and so won't like us or so and so wouldn't approve. Only if you were special to Emily did your opinion matter.
So, in her honor, I will fly on plane even though I am afraid to fly. I will play and laugh. I will do more than tell my family I love them, I will show them everyday! And I will forgive myself and others.
My sister was so full of life and she was not scared to do anything. If she was pissed, she wasn't afraid to tell you. If she was happy she made sure you knew with a song or a dance. If she thought you were funny she'd laugh so loud and hard you'd laugh too. She was fearless. She just did what she wanted to do...no holds barr. She lived.
Everyday she lived in the moment. I'm not saying she did not think about the future, she just understood that life was made up of moments; and she was going to spend hers doing what she wanted. So many of us are afraid of being who we really are. Afraid so and so won't like us or so and so wouldn't approve. Only if you were special to Emily did your opinion matter.
So, in her honor, I will fly on plane even though I am afraid to fly. I will play and laugh. I will do more than tell my family I love them, I will show them everyday! And I will forgive myself and others.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Coming Home
We left Michigan yesterday and got home around 12:30 last night. It was a long drive, but it seemed to go by very quick. Emily was on my mind for most of the trip. Each time we past a cross on the side of the road I felt a tinge of pain. I had some anxiety while we were driving. I told my husband I was a little worried about developing a fear of driving. So, I forced myself to drive for a little while just to face the issue head on. I don't want to fall off the horse and not be able to get back on.
I still am not sure what I am going to do without my sister. We were very very close and talked almost every single day. I am not sure how I am going to fill the void. We shared everything and had what we called a "sister to sister connection". I feel lost and empty. I keep telling myself "everything happens for a reason". Emily was a firm believer in that philosophy. I just can't see the reason yet. She was so young and full of life. I just don't understand why she had to go.
I felt extremely angry during her funeral. I literally felt sick. For a minute I thought I was going to pass out right in the front row of the church. People say that it takes awhile for something like this to really hit you. That may have been when it really hit me that my sister is gone forever. She will never be able to laugh with me ever again. She will never see my daughter graduate or get married. She will never be able to have children. She will never sing Disney songs with me again. We will never go to back to Disney or on any other "family" vacation together. She was just such a huge part of me and my family's life.....I miss her desperately!!!!
I don't want people to just remember my sister's death. Her life was so full. Literally, bursting at the seams :) She was a nurse and a damn good one too. Several families whose loved one she had taken care of came to the visitation to personally tell her mom what a wonderful nurse she was. Over 450 people showed up for the visitation. It was so packed that people had to park in the street. Emily was a loud, funny, caring, brave, strong, wonderful woman. She loved Disney and her family and her dog Zorro. She touched many many people. Here are some posts from her facebook that people have left since her passing.
Aunt Emily, my favorite Aunt! I miss you already!! I don't think i've ever cried so much in my life before! I'm completely devastated! I still can't believe it, i'm in Michigan and just waiting to see you. But, nothing. I will NEVER forget all the laughing and giggling, dancing around, and just have fun times with you! We were always laughing about nothing! Lol(: Thats what made it so fun! I'll never forget the time when my parents said they were driving me to Panama City, but instead drove me to Disney! It was so great and then out of no where you and uncle Zach showed up! AHH, that was amazing! Haha. We had A LOT of fun ! Dancing in Rockin' Rollar coaster! Bhahaha. BBOOOOOTY DANCINGGGGGGG! (: Lmao! And who the heck am i going to horsey dance with?!?): I know i can't do it by myselfffff!! OH, yeah and thanks for the freakin' hives! I have them right now fyi! THEY SUCK! Your funeral was so sad! I was crying so hard, i was shaking. All of this is so unreal. I really don't think its hit me yet. Like at all. I just wanna be laughing with you and continue our laughing and funny times! I just love how both of us gain weight at the same time! We really are almost a like! (: Your smile always brightened a room! And your laugh was so contagious! I don't think i was ever sad when i was with you! Maybe a little bit mad cause we like to piss eachother off! Idk how my mom is going to survive with all my injuries and freakin' medical problems! She's the one who ALWAYS called you! Aunt Emily, i love you more than words can explain, all these things that i'm writing on here aren't even HALF of the things i could say! Every time i think of you, i never have bad thoughts; always ones full of joy and happiness! I guess... people have to die. Or else you'd never realize how much you love and really do appricate them! Ahh, i wanna cry right now just writing this! I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER TIMES A MILLION, forget you or any of the times we had together!! I love you so much, and hope that where ever you are, you're happy! I'm gonna miss that cran-cackle! (Even though i hear it enough) I don't think i've ever met someone as loud as me ! No, you were a litttttle bit louder than me (: But, i think i've wrote a little to much. You know what i feel about you, and i hope you never forget any of that! You will always and forever be MYY favorite aunt! *Remember - 3 it's the magic number! I love you Emily Jane!!!!!!! :DD-Alayna (cran-cackle is what me and my sister call our really loud laugh...we got it from our Grandma)
Thank you Em for sharing your life with me! I remember your FB pic, that was the day me, you and Michelle went to the Tigers Opener, we had SO much FUN that day!!! I will carry you in my heart forever and I will always remember the great times we had together! Luv u!!-Patrica
Wants to give a special thank you to CHMC for all their support, covering our shifts, sending prayers and cards, a shoulder to cry on, no matter what it was that we needed our manager and co workers were right there to help us out. Emily was loved by so many at CHMC over 40 people attended the viewing services from our hospital including the CEO, assistant CEO, head of HR, chief of nursing, cheif of medicine, our lovely manager who has been there for us every step of the way, nurses, assistants, dietitians, nursing personnel, education specialist, unit secertaries and many more... when I say Emily was loved I mean it, she always said that she was so happy to be a part of the CHMC organization.. and I'm also proud to say that I work for a hospital that is there for it's employees and treats us like family. Emily will truely be missed at CHMC... she will be our Angel watching over us... 6east will never, ever be the same... we love you Emily!!!!-Denise
Oh my baby girl Emm, You were such a big part of my life. Not only did you touch me you touched my children. I was so fortunate to have you so close to me! You've been with me through some of my roughest times and you always had words to make everything better. I can only hope that I was a comfort to you as much as you were to me. You filled my home with laughter and smiles. I know you're smiling down on all of us now and you will always be with us in our time of need. I love you and I'm not sure how I'm goning to handle not being able to call you or txt you 50x a day!!!! I know you are in a beautiful place and u are at peace. You will be in my heart forever and I will see you again! Love you always-Michelle
Emmy, I am going to miss you soooo much!! You always made me laugh and smile! Your energy was contagious. I will miss going out after work, and the
excitement of opening day!!! You always had a smile on your face, and thats what everyone remembers the most. You are loved and missed!!! so much!!!!-Crystal
Still in total shock. Just found out. I really have no words but I am so sorry to everyone who loved Emily. I'm so thankful to have run into you at Hamlin a few weeks ago as we were due for our O.G. lunch to catch up. I will miss you, our candidness with each other, our brutal honestly to each other without fear of judgment. Really, really, really going to miss you! Love you!-Kaycie
I woke up this morning and thought the nightmare was over, but it's not..I remember last week you telling me that u thank God he brought me in your life and that you thank him for having a real friend and i thank him to. I know that one of your favorite quotes is everything happens for a reason... and I don't know the reason for all this now I pray God will give answers.... It just doesn't seem real!!!-Denise
Emily, I know you can"t be reading this, but you know that you have changed me forever. I know that you are a spirit that has loved many and received ten fold. You have taken me from darkness, if not to shine a light for a moment. You are and always be a beacon of light to those that are lost. I can find not one soul that has anything to say but WOW!! I will miss you now and forever. You are not forgotten nor comprimised in any way. I will ALWAYS be thankful for the time I spent with you and the Love that you spread the seed of what life really is. I truly wish that I could have been there for you when you needed someone most. I am sorry for that, but I will do my best to shine the beacon of Life<>-Chris
Emily, Emily, Emily....you were such a joyful and vivacious person who was taken from this world much too soon! You left your mark on everyone who knew you! You will be missed. You may not be with us physically, but your spirit soars my dear. You are at peace now and will forever live in our hearts.For the family, there are just no words to truly express my sorrow for your loss.-Donna
Emily, we have known each other since we were 4 years old! You were the first person to come up to me in Kindergarten and ask to be my friend! From that point on we were attached at the hip! No one could come between us! You came with us on our family trips and I went on all yours! We felt like we were sisters! Fast forward 25 years, and here I am with a broken heart and a loss for words..what happened?..we would always say we would be best friends forever, nothing would ever happen to us! Today I feel that part of me is gone! I miss you more than you will ever know! Rest in Peace my best friend! xoxo-Erin
Cheryl -Today was a sad day at Crittenton when we heard the news. Emily, you were an inspiration to us all. I will never forget your smile and that way that you had of brightening up a room. Always smiling always laughing always looking for fun even when days were bad. You will truly be missed!!! We are all better people for having known you. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your life. My thoughts and prayers go out to Emily's family. I can't even begin to know the pain that you are going through, but know that Emily's touched each and every one of us that she worked with on a daily basis!!
Our loss is God's gain.
Emily-We will miss your beautiful smile and the most incredible zest for life you gave us all. You will always be in our heart and we should all try to EMulate your great spirt for living. Love you.-Uncle Tim
Emily. I am so sorry. I will miss you forever. I have nothing but great memories of my time together with you.-Tom
Em..... Your incredible personality.... your thoughtful and caring ways..... Your beautiful smile.... huge fun laugh.... So thankful for your friendship.... You will be missed forever! I love you my sister.....Michelle
May you rest in peace. Your spirit was contagious. My life is better for knowing you!! I'm sure all who kew you and loved you feel the same. You will never be forgotten-Robin
Those are just a few comments from her Facebook. What is so funny about the Facebook postings are all the comments about Emily's smile. Emily and I had a lot in common and one thing we shared was really really really messed up teeth. The teeth in our family are so bad that our dad had dentures by the time he was 18 years old. We have talked for hours about how much we hate our teeth. It is the first thing we notice about people when we meet them. Yet, so many people loved her smile. Even thought it was beautiful. I wish she would have known.....
I still am not sure what I am going to do without my sister. We were very very close and talked almost every single day. I am not sure how I am going to fill the void. We shared everything and had what we called a "sister to sister connection". I feel lost and empty. I keep telling myself "everything happens for a reason". Emily was a firm believer in that philosophy. I just can't see the reason yet. She was so young and full of life. I just don't understand why she had to go.
I felt extremely angry during her funeral. I literally felt sick. For a minute I thought I was going to pass out right in the front row of the church. People say that it takes awhile for something like this to really hit you. That may have been when it really hit me that my sister is gone forever. She will never be able to laugh with me ever again. She will never see my daughter graduate or get married. She will never be able to have children. She will never sing Disney songs with me again. We will never go to back to Disney or on any other "family" vacation together. She was just such a huge part of me and my family's life.....I miss her desperately!!!!
I don't want people to just remember my sister's death. Her life was so full. Literally, bursting at the seams :) She was a nurse and a damn good one too. Several families whose loved one she had taken care of came to the visitation to personally tell her mom what a wonderful nurse she was. Over 450 people showed up for the visitation. It was so packed that people had to park in the street. Emily was a loud, funny, caring, brave, strong, wonderful woman. She loved Disney and her family and her dog Zorro. She touched many many people. Here are some posts from her facebook that people have left since her passing.
Aunt Emily, my favorite Aunt! I miss you already!! I don't think i've ever cried so much in my life before! I'm completely devastated! I still can't believe it, i'm in Michigan and just waiting to see you. But, nothing. I will NEVER forget all the laughing and giggling, dancing around, and just have fun times with you! We were always laughing about nothing! Lol(: Thats what made it so fun! I'll never forget the time when my parents said they were driving me to Panama City, but instead drove me to Disney! It was so great and then out of no where you and uncle Zach showed up! AHH, that was amazing! Haha. We had A LOT of fun ! Dancing in Rockin' Rollar coaster! Bhahaha. BBOOOOOTY DANCINGGGGGGG! (: Lmao! And who the heck am i going to horsey dance with?!?): I know i can't do it by myselfffff!! OH, yeah and thanks for the freakin' hives! I have them right now fyi! THEY SUCK! Your funeral was so sad! I was crying so hard, i was shaking. All of this is so unreal. I really don't think its hit me yet. Like at all. I just wanna be laughing with you and continue our laughing and funny times! I just love how both of us gain weight at the same time! We really are almost a like! (: Your smile always brightened a room! And your laugh was so contagious! I don't think i was ever sad when i was with you! Maybe a little bit mad cause we like to piss eachother off! Idk how my mom is going to survive with all my injuries and freakin' medical problems! She's the one who ALWAYS called you! Aunt Emily, i love you more than words can explain, all these things that i'm writing on here aren't even HALF of the things i could say! Every time i think of you, i never have bad thoughts; always ones full of joy and happiness! I guess... people have to die. Or else you'd never realize how much you love and really do appricate them! Ahh, i wanna cry right now just writing this! I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER TIMES A MILLION, forget you or any of the times we had together!! I love you so much, and hope that where ever you are, you're happy! I'm gonna miss that cran-cackle! (Even though i hear it enough) I don't think i've ever met someone as loud as me ! No, you were a litttttle bit louder than me (: But, i think i've wrote a little to much. You know what i feel about you, and i hope you never forget any of that! You will always and forever be MYY favorite aunt! *Remember - 3 it's the magic number! I love you Emily Jane!!!!!!! :DD-Alayna (cran-cackle is what me and my sister call our really loud laugh...we got it from our Grandma)
Thank you Em for sharing your life with me! I remember your FB pic, that was the day me, you and Michelle went to the Tigers Opener, we had SO much FUN that day!!! I will carry you in my heart forever and I will always remember the great times we had together! Luv u!!-Patrica
Wants to give a special thank you to CHMC for all their support, covering our shifts, sending prayers and cards, a shoulder to cry on, no matter what it was that we needed our manager and co workers were right there to help us out. Emily was loved by so many at CHMC over 40 people attended the viewing services from our hospital including the CEO, assistant CEO, head of HR, chief of nursing, cheif of medicine, our lovely manager who has been there for us every step of the way, nurses, assistants, dietitians, nursing personnel, education specialist, unit secertaries and many more... when I say Emily was loved I mean it, she always said that she was so happy to be a part of the CHMC organization.. and I'm also proud to say that I work for a hospital that is there for it's employees and treats us like family. Emily will truely be missed at CHMC... she will be our Angel watching over us... 6east will never, ever be the same... we love you Emily!!!!-Denise
Oh my baby girl Emm, You were such a big part of my life. Not only did you touch me you touched my children. I was so fortunate to have you so close to me! You've been with me through some of my roughest times and you always had words to make everything better. I can only hope that I was a comfort to you as much as you were to me. You filled my home with laughter and smiles. I know you're smiling down on all of us now and you will always be with us in our time of need. I love you and I'm not sure how I'm goning to handle not being able to call you or txt you 50x a day!!!! I know you are in a beautiful place and u are at peace. You will be in my heart forever and I will see you again! Love you always-Michelle
Emmy, I am going to miss you soooo much!! You always made me laugh and smile! Your energy was contagious. I will miss going out after work, and the
excitement of opening day!!! You always had a smile on your face, and thats what everyone remembers the most. You are loved and missed!!! so much!!!!-Crystal
Still in total shock. Just found out. I really have no words but I am so sorry to everyone who loved Emily. I'm so thankful to have run into you at Hamlin a few weeks ago as we were due for our O.G. lunch to catch up. I will miss you, our candidness with each other, our brutal honestly to each other without fear of judgment. Really, really, really going to miss you! Love you!-Kaycie
I woke up this morning and thought the nightmare was over, but it's not..I remember last week you telling me that u thank God he brought me in your life and that you thank him for having a real friend and i thank him to. I know that one of your favorite quotes is everything happens for a reason... and I don't know the reason for all this now I pray God will give answers.... It just doesn't seem real!!!-Denise
Emily, I know you can"t be reading this, but you know that you have changed me forever. I know that you are a spirit that has loved many and received ten fold. You have taken me from darkness, if not to shine a light for a moment. You are and always be a beacon of light to those that are lost. I can find not one soul that has anything to say but WOW!! I will miss you now and forever. You are not forgotten nor comprimised in any way. I will ALWAYS be thankful for the time I spent with you and the Love that you spread the seed of what life really is. I truly wish that I could have been there for you when you needed someone most. I am sorry for that, but I will do my best to shine the beacon of Life<>-Chris
Emily, Emily, Emily....you were such a joyful and vivacious person who was taken from this world much too soon! You left your mark on everyone who knew you! You will be missed. You may not be with us physically, but your spirit soars my dear. You are at peace now and will forever live in our hearts.For the family, there are just no words to truly express my sorrow for your loss.-Donna
Emily, we have known each other since we were 4 years old! You were the first person to come up to me in Kindergarten and ask to be my friend! From that point on we were attached at the hip! No one could come between us! You came with us on our family trips and I went on all yours! We felt like we were sisters! Fast forward 25 years, and here I am with a broken heart and a loss for words..what happened?..we would always say we would be best friends forever, nothing would ever happen to us! Today I feel that part of me is gone! I miss you more than you will ever know! Rest in Peace my best friend! xoxo-Erin
Cheryl -Today was a sad day at Crittenton when we heard the news. Emily, you were an inspiration to us all. I will never forget your smile and that way that you had of brightening up a room. Always smiling always laughing always looking for fun even when days were bad. You will truly be missed!!! We are all better people for having known you. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your life. My thoughts and prayers go out to Emily's family. I can't even begin to know the pain that you are going through, but know that Emily's touched each and every one of us that she worked with on a daily basis!!
Our loss is God's gain.
Emily-We will miss your beautiful smile and the most incredible zest for life you gave us all. You will always be in our heart and we should all try to EMulate your great spirt for living. Love you.-Uncle Tim
Emily. I am so sorry. I will miss you forever. I have nothing but great memories of my time together with you.-Tom
Em..... Your incredible personality.... your thoughtful and caring ways..... Your beautiful smile.... huge fun laugh.... So thankful for your friendship.... You will be missed forever! I love you my sister.....Michelle
May you rest in peace. Your spirit was contagious. My life is better for knowing you!! I'm sure all who kew you and loved you feel the same. You will never be forgotten-Robin
Those are just a few comments from her Facebook. What is so funny about the Facebook postings are all the comments about Emily's smile. Emily and I had a lot in common and one thing we shared was really really really messed up teeth. The teeth in our family are so bad that our dad had dentures by the time he was 18 years old. We have talked for hours about how much we hate our teeth. It is the first thing we notice about people when we meet them. Yet, so many people loved her smile. Even thought it was beautiful. I wish she would have known.....
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thank You for all of your help
The police found Emily's car today. She had an accident and she is no longer with us. Thank you all for everything that you have done to help our family.
My Sister
I just want you all to know that this is extremely out of character for my sister. She is a phone-aholic. Her cell phone is like an extension of her....she is never without it. EVER!!!! Her phone has been off since 12:14 am Friday 6/26 (late Thursday night). She would never go 5 days without her cell phone.
Here is the car we are looking for
We are including a picture a the car she was driving because we know not everyone knows what her car would look like. It is a 2003 Silver Jetta. We are desperately searching for her car because it is the last known link to her.
Monday, June 29, 2009
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